The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
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My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
A new level of troll.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends