Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
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I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.