I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
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[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.