me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
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she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not