My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
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[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
What about second breakfast?
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less