I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
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CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.