Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
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Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Squirrels before girls.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…