Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
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Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*