[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
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T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.