5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Remember folks 😂
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.