Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
This is Sparta
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.