I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
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i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.