the answer was staring at me all along
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room