Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
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She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
remember
only for emergencies
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick