Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
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An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.