When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Smells like a challenge to me
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!