You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
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I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Me driving through Toronto
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH