I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
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Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.