Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
house sitting!
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
That took me a moment.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Meme Monday.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.