I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
You Might Also Like
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
same vibe as tangled headphones
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.