ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
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The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I have never related to anyone more.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
me as a parent
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”