Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.