ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.