I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
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“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Safety first
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
a public service announcement
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex