11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
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This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote