ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
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*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.