I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
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“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Born to be mild.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent