If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
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(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.