Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
You Might Also Like
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
felt that
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Can’t. Being lazy.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.