My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
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This is a fact based meme 😏😂
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
sin harder.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.