My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
You Might Also Like
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
? 💀
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
“you changed” bro i was 15
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.