Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
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People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.