I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.