I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
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[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.