train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
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They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks