#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
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[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.