Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
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Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.