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it was a valiant fight
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport