My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
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(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!