Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
In case you needed to hear it:
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her