I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!