New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
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Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
When you’re Kinky but poor
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in