No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
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Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
john wicks are toilet candles
This is so me 😂😂
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE