I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
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VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
And now we wait
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Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner