Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
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Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Ok who’s got my black socks?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.