New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
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Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
*watches the world burn*
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…