My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
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Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Sniffing the broccoli
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Not recommended for beginners.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.