WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
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No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket