kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
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“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Always 🥴
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.