[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
You Might Also Like
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Friday
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
i wish we could shoplift online
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera